THE SOUTHWORTH PLANETARIUM 207-780-4249   www.usm.maine.edu/planet
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70 Falmouth Street   Portland, Maine 04103 43.6667° N
 70.2667° W  Altitude:  10 feet below sea level Founded January 1970 Julian
Date:  2459362.18
2020-2021: CXXXVIII


THE DAILY ASTRONOMER
Thursday, May 27, 2021
The Astronomy of Human Destruction

The ship was not particularly impressive, especially when seen next to the
sizable asteroid, the stone-grey surface of which seemed to absorb most of
the light that shone upon it.     The pilot and the one companion who had
joined him in the cockpit both stared with breathless awe at the rocky
facade extending up into the boundless black.   With his three arms
securely attached to the levers protruding out of the complex console,
the pilot watched as  a few stars above the asteroid rim slowly blinked out
of sight.
             "Splendid!   Just one more moment and it's done!"
             His humanoid companion regarded him with puzzlement.
             "That's it?!"
             "That's it, your lordship," the pilot said, twisting a knob so
as to cause the vessel to careen wildly away from the asteroid.   Only by
grasping a nearby chair was the human able to steady himself against the
sudden acceleration.
             "That can't be it?!"  the human replied angrily.  Through the
side view screen he watched the receding asteroid vanish into the
enveloping darkness.
              "Oh, but it is, Mr. Plantagenet!  Your wish is fulfilled."
              "The human race has been destroyed?!"
               The pilot shoved a smouldering stick into his larger mouth
with one hand while he weaved the other two hands behind his neck to use as
a headrest.  "Well, yes, actually."
                "You didn't do anything!"
                 "Oh, on the contrary, I did a great deal just now."
                 Mr. Plantagenet bit his lower lip and looked flummoxed.
"I don't get it."
                 "By nudging the asteroid with the ship's gravity, I was
able to alter its trajectory and send it where I wanted it to go."
                 "How did that do anything?"
                 "Sensitive dependence on initial conditions."
                 "Huh?"
                 The pilot breathed slowly through his smaller mouth, a
clear sign of intensifying frustration.   "You understand that the asteroid
we just visited was following a particular path.  By placing the ship next
to it, I was able to exert a slight, but still significant, gravitational
tug on the body.  Consequently, I shifted its course ever so gently.
Presently, its trajectory is scarcely changed, but the cumulative effect is
such that after many orbits it will veer far away from the orbit it would
have followed had I not induced that perturbing effect.     Sensitive
dependence on initial conditions: a minor adjustment early on results in
major alterations in the future.
                The human's face brightened as he peered out into the
starfield.  "Oh,  I get it now.   You're sending that asteroid to strike
Earth and destroy the human race.  Cool!"
                    "Not exactly."
                   "What?!"
                    "Recall our first meeting when I landed on your planet
and you happened to be the first human specimen I encountered.  In
accordance with our race's tradition, I offered you one wish.  You
understand, whenever we visit a new planet, we offer one wish to the first
member of the planet's alpha race we see.   We find it an effective means
by which to establish cordial relations with inferior...I mean, other
species.   You promptly asked me to destroy the human race.  I rather
suspect you were having a particularly trying day.     I asked you why you
would want such a wish and you replied that if there were no humans, there
would be no Hitler, Caligula, destructive wars, environmental degradation.
wanton consumption, agonizing heartbreak, duplicitous behaviors, traffic
congestion, cut throat competitions, meaningless drudgery, abstruse
existentialist philosophy, planetarium field trips, self-evident
geometrical axioms,  'Friends' reunion specials, jerks who don't respond to
multiple text messages, and 'i's dotted with cute little hearts, damn it,
don't I hate those."
                 "I said all that?"
                 "Well, actually, you just said, 'Yeah, man, like, get rid
of humans.' I inferred all the rest from your brain wave patterns."
                  Mr. Plantagenet chewed his fingernail thoughtfully, but
said nothing.  He continued to stare at his reptilian-like companion who
was cast in half silhouette by the myriad illuminated patterns aligned
along the console.
                 "That wish, which is unique among all the beings I've ever
encountered, put me into something of a bind, Mr. Plantagenet.  While I am
admittedly not a trained diplomat, I rather think that one cannot foster
cordial relations with all the members of a species while simultaneously
annihilating them.   As I just explained,  the entire point of granting a
single wish is to demonstrate that despite our superior intellects and
advanced technological sophistication we are benevolent beings inclined
toward peaceful relations.  The notion that we would enslave your race and
extract all your fluids for our own purposes, which is a typical fear among
non-star-faring races, is based on nothing more than silly xenophobic
hysteria.     So, in any event, I was undecided on how to proceed with
granting your wish and so I asked you to give me a day to puzzle it all
out.  The following night I returned and escorted you onto this ship and we
launched off your world.  So, here we are and my task is done in such a way
so as to grant your wish without committing the diplomatic faux pas of
genocide."
                 "By nudging an asteroid?"
                  "Precisely.  You see, I neglected to explain that we are
66.5 million years in the past.  The asteroid we just nudged was the one
that was destined to end the Cretaceous Period by striking your world 66
million years before you were born.    We perturbed it early enough to
prevent it from hitting the planet and wreaking all that havoc.  You
realize that that asteroid caused the extinction of ninety percent of all
species then extant on Earth, including, most notably, the dinosaurs.  The
non-avian dinosaur extinction enabled your mammalian forbearers to
eventually rise to primacy.   Their ascent led naturally to the rapid
evolution of the primates and their illustrious descendants, the homo
sapiens, or, human beings.
                  "Well, by diverting the asteroid, I prevented that mass
extinction.  The clade dinosauria will remain securely in  its predominant
position for millions of more years, thereby precluding the mammalian
ascendency and consequent development of advanced primates, including
humans.     Hmm, I think that preventing a race from existing does not
constitute genocide, although such distinctions are a philosophical matter,
not my forte, I must admit."
                 "Humans don't exist?"
                 Breathing slowly through his smaller mouth again, the
alien replied. "Precisely that.  Your wish is fulfilled.  I have 'gotten
rid' of the humans.  Now," he continued, turning away from the astonished
human,  "if you'll excuse me, I must attend to these controls so as to
return to my proper location in space-time:  not a trivial matter even to
those of us endowed with icosahedral brain structures, which, as you might
suspect, is the highest level any sentient being can ever atta..."
                'So, if humans don't exist," the human said with a sudden
terror, "wouldn't that mean that I don..."
              And the human vanished.
               "That you don't exist?  A salient point, indeed," the alien
acknowledged while continuing to focus on the console.   "Yes, I am afraid
that is perhaps a downside you might not have considered.   You might
linger for some time, of course.   What I have just done is to profoundly
alter the space-time continuum.   At this moment that continuum is
adjusting itself to adapt to the altered reality.    It is akin, I think,
to what would happen if one were to remove your parent star from the
Universe.  The planets would continue to move as though the star still
existed until the space-time fabric communicated its absence.    That time
would be based on light speed, of course.   As to the time frame in this
instance, I am at a loss, which is a rare occurrence.   I shall be
interested in knowing how long you will remain.   But, no reason for
anxiety, of course as you shall merely be consigned to a timeless
oblivion...not the worst.."
             The alien looked up to discover that he was conversing with
himself.    "Alas, poor Mr. Plantagenet.    Space-time adjusts rapidly,
does it not?"     Within an instant, the alien returned to modern-day Earth
and realized, to his own horror, that he was in a bit of a pickle.  He
fulfilled a request by someone who never existed in the first place.   That
paradox would be a bit tricky to explain to his elders.  Fortunately, as he
was not due to rendezvous with them for another 15 millennia, he had some
time to sort it out.    With all due modesty, he would have insisted that
he would be able to talk his way out of that situation.   All the same, as
he sped away from the pristine Earth, he hoped he would never encounter
another being hell-bent on its own destruction.




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