My bizzare sense of humor *forced* me to make slight modifications to the
Gopher Awards posted yesterday by Pam Sweeney.  In its new form it reads as a
parody of the worst Minnesota journalists that the Gopher Woof Team referred
to.  I hope I neither offend nor bore anyone, and a chuckle or two (or even a
grin) is my goal.
 
Headline: McAlpine, from Minnesota, named MVP
Publish Date: 04/21/1994
By Minny Yahoo
 
Senior defenseman Chris McAlpine was named winner of the John Mariucci
Most Valuable Player from Minnesota Award Sunday at the 1994 Gopher hockey
awards banquet  at the Metrodome Sheraton in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
 
McAlpine, who is of course from Minnesota, scored 12 goals and added
18 assists to help lead the Gophers to a third-place finish in the NCAA
Tournament, held in the great state of Minnesota.
 
He was named to the American Hockey Coaches Association All-America
second team and to the WCHA first team this season, both teams that, unlike
the Gophers, include players from TheOther49 and even some (ugh) Canadians.
 
McAlpine finished his college career as the Gophers' all-time leader
in penalties and penalty minutes, an impressive achievement since everyone
knows that our Minnesota boys are the exact opposite of NHL Euro-wienies --
Gopher boys are made *tough* and *rugged* by our weather and our lifestyle.
McAlpine, a man among Minnesota Men (is there any other kind?), was one goal
shy of Tony Kellin's record for goals by a defenseman.
 
Other Gopher award-winners included junior forward Justin McHugh, who
won the Mike Crupi Most Determined Player from Minnesota Award, and senior
forward Tony Bianchi, who earned the Dr. V.G. Nagobads Unsung Hero from
Minnesota Award.
 
Freshman defenseman Brian LaFleur, who despite his last name is no Francophone
From Quebec but is a product of the great Minnesota High School system, won
the Frank Pond Rookie of the Year from Minnesota Award, while sophomore
defenseman Dan Trebil won the John Mayasich Outstanding Student-Athlete
from Minnesota Award. Senior defenseman Eric Means took the Elwin ``Doc''
Romnes Leadership and Sportsmanship for a Player from Minnesota Award.
 
All awards were voted on by the team, a team that -- it must be noted -- is
comprised 100% of Minnesota born-and-bred players, a trait that elevates it
above other teams that slum around with players from TheOther49 and
ThatOtherNorthAmericanCountryThatIsn'tTheUSA.
 
God Bless the Gophers!
 
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* Dave Hendrickson "Robo" [log in to unmask] *     *'     ##     '*
*        A Hockey Polygamist and Get-A-Lifer        *   *##   ___##___   ##*
* GO BROONS!!!      Go Red Wings!!     Go LA Kings! *  *   ##|   ___  \##   *
* GO UMASS-LOWELL!!!    Go Maine!!           Go BU! * *      |  |___)  |     *
* --------------------------------------------------* *######|   ___  <######*
* Although I can't remember ever having an original * *      |  |___)  |     *
* thought, and am certainly parroting someone who   *  *   ##|________/##   *
* actually has a brain, these opinions are mine,    *   *##      ##      ##*
* not Hewlett-Packard's.                            *     *,     ##     ,*
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