(I've taken the liberty of copying Robert Kibler's attachment as some of you seem to have had trouble getting it -- it's worth the large screen space, it seems to me, but apologies to those who may be paying by the word, as it were). Joe Safdie > ___________________________________________ > > > Geraldo, Eat Your Avant-Pop Heart Out > > By MARK LEYNER > > HOBOKEN, N.J. -- JENNY JONES: Boy, we have a show for you today! > > Recently, the University of Virginia philosopher Richard Rorty made > the > stunning declaration that nobody has "the foggiest idea" what > postmodernism means. "It would be nice to get rid of it," he said. > "It > isn't exactly an idea; it's a word that pretends to stand for an > idea." > > This shocking admission that there is no such thing as postmodernism > has > produced a firestorm of protest around the country. Thousands of > authors, > critics and graduate students who'd considered themselves > postmodernists > are outraged at the betrayal. > > Today we have with us a writer -- a recovering postmodernist -- who > believes that his literary career and personal life have been > irreparably > damaged by the theory, and who feels defrauded by the academics who > promulgated it. He wishes to remain anonymous, so we'll call him > "Alex." > > Alex, as an adolescent, before you began experimenting with > postmodernism, you considered yourself -- what? > > Close shot of ALEX. > > An electronic blob obscures his face. Words appear at bottom of > screen: > "Says he was traumatized by postmodernism and blames academics." > > ALEX (his voice electronically altered): A high modernist. Y'know, > Pound, > Eliot, Georges Braque, Wallace Stevens, Arnold Schoenberg, Mies van > der > Rohe. I had all of Schoenberg's 78's. > > JENNY JONES: And then you started reading people like Jean-Francois > Lyotard and Jean Baudrillard -- how did that change your feelings > about > your modernist heroes? > > ALEX: I suddenly felt that they were, like, stifling and canonical. > > JENNY JONES: Stifling and canonical? That is so sad, such a waste. > How > old were you when you first read Fredric Jameson? > > ALEX: Nine, I think. > > The AUDIENCE gasps. > > JENNY JONES: We have some pictures of young Alex.... > > We see snapshots of 14-year-old ALEX reading Gilles Deleuze and Felix > Guattari's "Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia." The AUDIENCE > oohs and ahs. > > ALEX: We used to go to a friend's house after school -- y'know, his > parents were never home -- and we'd read, like, Paul Virilio and > Julia > Kristeva. > > JENNY JONES: So you're only 14, and you're already skeptical toward > the > "grand narratives" of modernity, you're questioning any belief system > that claims universality or transcendence. Why? > > ALEX: I guess -- to be cool. > > JENNY JONES: So, peer pressure? > > ALEX: I guess. > > JENNY JONES: And do you remember how you felt the very first time you > entertained the notion that you and your universe are constituted by > language -- that reality is a cultural construct, a "text" whose > meaning > is determined by infinite associations with other "texts"? > > ALEX: Uh, it felt, like, good. I wanted to do it again. The AUDIENCE > groans. > > JENNY JONES: You were arrested at about this time? > > ALEX: For spray-painting "The Hermeneutics of Indeterminacy" on an > overpass. > > JENNY JONES: You're the child of a mixed marriage -- is that right? > > ALEX: My father was a de Stijl Wittgensteinian and my mom was a > neo-pre-Raphaelite. > > JENNY JONES: Do you think that growing up in a mixed marriage made > you > more vulnerable to the siren song of postmodernism? > > ALEX: Absolutely. It's hard when you're a little kid not to be able > to > just come right out and say (sniffles), y'know, I'm an Imagist or I'm > a > phenomenologist or I'm a post-painterly abstractionist. It's really > hard > -- especially around the holidays. (He cries.) > > JENNY JONES: I hear you. Was your wife a postmodernist? > > ALEX: Yes. She was raised avant-pop, which is a fundamentalist > offshoot > of postmodernism. > > JENNY JONES: How did she react to Rorty's admission that > postmodernism > was essentially a hoax? > > ALEX: She was devastated. I mean, she's got all the John Zorn albums > and > the entire Semiotext(e) series. She was crushed. > > We see ALEX'S WIFE in the audience, weeping softly, her hands > covering > her face. > > JENNY JONES: And you were raising your daughter as a postmodernist? > > ALEX: Of course. That's what makes this particularly tragic. I mean, > how > do you explain to a 5-year-old that self-consciously recycling > cultural > detritus is suddenly no longer a valid art form when, for her entire > life, she's been taught that it is? > > JENNY JONES: Tell us how you think postmodernism affected your career > as > a novelist. > > ALEX: I disavowed writing that contained real ideas or any real > passion. > My work became disjunctive, facetious and nihilistic. It was all > blank > parody, irony enveloped in more irony. > > It merely recapitulated the pernicious banality of television and > advertising. I found myself indiscriminately incorporating any and > all > kinds of pop kitsch and shlock. (He begins to weep again.) > > JENNY JONES: And this spilled over into your personal life? > > ALEX: It was impossible for me to experience life with any emotional > intensity. I couldn't control the irony anymore. I perceived my own > feelings as if they were in quotes. > > I italicized everything and everyone. It became impossible for me to > appraise the quality of anything. To me everything was equivalent -- > the > Brandenburg Concertos and the Lysol jingle had the same value. ... > (He > breaks down, sobbing.) > > JENNY JONES: Now, you're involved in a lawsuit, aren't you? > > ALEX: Yes. I'm suing the Modern Language Association. > > JENNY JONES: How confident are you about winning? > > ALEX: We need to prove that, while they were actively propounding it, > academics knew all along that postmodernism was a specious theory. > > If we can unearth some intradepartmental memos -- y'know, a paper > trail > -- any corroboration that they knew postmodernism was worthless cant > at > the same time they were teaching it, then I think we have an > excellent > shot at establishing liability. > > JENNY JONES wades into audience and proffers microphone to a woman. > > WOMAN (with lateral head-bobbing): It's ironic that Barry Scheck is > representing the M.L.A. in this litigation because Scheck is the > postmodern attorney par excellence. This is the guy who's made a > career > of volatilizing truth in the simulacrum of exculpation! > > VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: You go, girl! > > WOMAN: Scheck is the guy who came up with the quintessentially > postmodern > re-bleed defense for O.J., which claims that O.J. merely vigorously > shook > Ron and Nicole, thereby re-aggravating pre-existing knife wounds. I'd > just like to say to any client of Barry Scheck -- lose that zero and > get > a hero! > > The AUDIENCE cheers wildly. > > WOMAN: Uh, I forgot my question. > > Dissolve to message on screen: If you believe that mathematician > Andrew > Wiles' proof of Fermat's last theorem has caused you or a member of > your > family to dress too provocatively, call (800) 555-9455. > > Dissolve back to studio.In the audience, JENNY JONES extends the > microphone to a man in his mid-30's with a scruffy beard and a > bandana > around his head. > > MAN WITH BANDANA: I'd like to say that this "Alex" is the single > worst > example of pointless irony in American literature, and this whole > heartfelt renunciation of postmodernism is a ploy -- it's just more > irony. > > The AUDIENCE whistles and hoots. > > ALEX: You think this is a ploy?! (He tears futilely at the electronic > blob.) This is my face! > > The AUDIENCE recoils in horror. > > > > ALEX: This is what can happen to people who naively embrace > postmodernism, to people who believe that the individual -- the > autonomous, individualist subject -- is dead. They become a > palimpsest of > media pastiche -- a mask of metastatic irony. > > JENNY JONES (biting lip and shaking her head): That is so sad. Alex > -- > final words? > > ALEX: I'd just like to say that self-consciousness and irony seem > like > fun at first, but they can destroy your life. I know. You gotta be > earnest, be real. Real feelings are important. Objective reality does > exist. AUDIENCE members whoop, stomp and pump fists in the air. > > JENNY JONES: I'd like to thank Alex for having the courage to come on > today and share his experience with us. > > Join us for tomorrow's show, "The End of Manichean, Bipolar > Geopolitics > Turned My Boyfriend Into an Insatiable Sex Freak (and I Love It!)." > > > -- > Cynthia Virtue, Manager, Sales Operations 650-919-6239 > Network Computing Devices, Mountain View, CA [log in to unmask] > ==================================================================== > It was once thought that lobsters were scavengers and ate primarily > dead things. However, researchers have discovered that lobsters catch > mainly fresh food (except for bait) which includes crabs, clams, > mussels, starfish, sea urchins, and sometimes even other lobsters! > > > ..=-=-=-=-=-=-= t h e = g i g g l e s = m a i l i n g = l i s t > =-=-=-=-=-=-=. > | > | > | This humourous interlude has been brought to you courtesy of the > giggles | > | mailing list, but its content is the sole reponsibility of its > submitter. | > | > | > | For information on how to subscribe/unsubscribe, send e-mail to > | > | [log in to unmask] with the following line in the body of the > message: | > | > | > | info giggles > | > | > | > ..=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- E n j o y ! = 8^D > -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=. > > > >