Here's an article about Gopher hockey from the Weekly World Daily, otherwise known as the finals week issue of the Minnesota Daily. ****** The Gopher hockey team prepared for a possible playoff run by signing Olympians Dan Jansen, Tonya Harding and Alberto Tomba. All year long the Gophers have sought leadership, physical play and scoring ability, and they believe the addition of these three players will fill those holes. Jansen, after fulfilling his lifetime dream of skating to an Olympic gold medal, was signed to give Minnesota a veteran leader that could help the young players adapt to the high pressure situations, like that of the playoffs. ``We need experience on this team,'' Coach Doug Woog said. ``That's an issue for us.'' The touchy issue of the three signings concerned the fact that none of them are Minnesota citizens, going against Woog's policy of only recruiting Minnesotans. However, Gov. Arne Carlson announced that all three would be named honorary Minnesota citizens, making them eligible. This issue was particularly touchy in the case of Jansen, who is from Wisconsin, home of the hated Badgers. In order to become eligible, Jansen had to renounce his Wisconsin citizenship and was forced to sit in a blank room for 24 hours straight while University officials pumped The Rouser in through loudspeakers and showed him slides of people experiencing allergic reactions to dairy products. It was clear that Jansen was cured when he took a 50-question test on the state of Wisconsin, and, when asked to identify the Rose Bowl, told officials that it was the present he gave to his in-laws for Christmas. Harding, after being embroiled in a bitter lawsuit concerning her possible role in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, was looking for a diversion, and seems to have found it in the sport of hockey. Woog said her signing fills the Gophers' need for another goon. ``We need more physical play,'' Woog said. ``That's a big issue for us.'' Harding's abilities may prove a detriment at times. In a recent practice she slashed defenseman Chris McAlpine across the knee, sidelining him for the rest of the afternoon. ``Why me?'' McAlpine was heard to utter after being helped off the ice. ``Why now? Why?'' McAlpine should be ready to return for the remainder of the playoffs, and expressed no hard feelings, even asking Harding for tips on how to deal with referees. Harding's arrival meant more work for the team's equipment managers, however. Team officials reported 10 cases of skate laces were ordered because of Harding's propensity for breaking shoelaces when asked about her ex-husband Jeff Gillooly. Tomba's was a curious signing. The Gophers said they needed a scorer, but Tomba's abilities in this area don't seem to match his efforts. Just ask Katarina Witt, who, while earning her second figure skating gold medal in 1988, spent the better part of the Calgary games trying to get Tomba off her back. ``We need someone who's a real pest in front of the net,'' Woog said. ``I really believe that's a serious issue for us.'' Tomba's signing created a media circus when he vowed to score at least three goals in every game. It was later found out that reporters misunderstood the dashing Tomba's broken English. What he had meant to say was that he planned to score three ``girls'' in every game. It remains to be seen if the three new players will succeed in their intentions during game action. But there figures to be more excitement to come in what has already been a wild season.