WANDERINGS THROUGH THE MINDVERSE
Making a Mess of Mindfulness Meditation
The science seems so compelling.
If properly practised, mindfulness meditation acts like a sorcerer's healing potion for the troubled and anxious mind. And, truth be told, aren't almost all of us tormented by such disquietude? Shh...I realize this facet of life is expected to remain a well-kept secret. Well, not as much a secret as it is a churning, burbling, smoking, noxious, toxin-splattering cauldron of self-reproach, harsh self-judgement, broodings about the past, apprehensions about the future, self-obsessed, self-absorbed ruminations that can often administer inquisition-level tortures morning, noon and night that we keep tucked away in the deepest recesses of ourselves.
Please don't fret if that last paragraph succinctly describes your situation. We promise not to tell anyone. An integral part of the quiet desperation pervading our society is the profound sense of isolation: that there is something profoundly wrong with you. Though I don't know you -and I wish I did, you're probably dazzlingly interesting when in a comfortable setting- it is highly improbable that there is something profoundly wrong with you. You are just intensely human with a highly active and miraculously complex mind. (And, yes, that still holds even if you, like me, have often been in the presence of others who've made you feel a shade less than clever.) That mind arose out of the unfathomably complex genetic blueprint on which you are based.
Human mind: Immense amount of assembly required.
Despite this tumult, we still yearn for that deep-seeded sense of peace, fulfillment, engagement and sheer beauty: the beauty that abounds on our four-billion year old planet. The joy-inducing aliveness that remains so exasperatingly elusive.
Hence, mindfulness meditation. Research seems to show that our mood and sense of well being is enhanced when we are actively engaged in the present moment. If we have a respite from the angers and anxieties engendered by memories or thoughts of times not yet experienced. And, heavens, don't we all know those beautiful moments of being fully in the present? The life energy, akin to the electric pulse of a major city, that is ever present even in the quietest regions. When we become receptive to it, that energy is almost palpable.
So, there I was: yippie ding, I decided to try mindfulness meditation. I placed it squarely on my itinerary. Meditation at 10 a.m. Perfect peace at 10:18 a.m. Nirvana at 10:43 a.m. Light luncheon at 11:06 a.m. It was simple. All I had to do was fold my legs, rest my arms on my knees and clear all my thoughts as though they were scribblings on a chalkboard. And I started. 10 a.m...here we go....10:01 a.m. ok, I'll try again....thoughts off! 10:03 a.m. Ok, this isn't really working out like I intended. Let's unfold the legs. Yeah, that was the problem. 10:05 a.m. Rub the legs now...that's the ticket. 10:07 a.m. Oh, to hell with it...
How much of a muck-up did I make of mindfulness meditation with my misunderstanding!! I consulted someone about the meditation debacle and explained that my first attempt "exploded on the launch pad." He smirked a bit, although in a non-malicious way. "You see," he told me, "getting rid of your thoughts is not the point. Thoughts spring up constantly and will confound any effort you make to eradicate them. The point is not to IDENTIFY with your thoughts." Even though I could hear the capital letters in his response, I remained perplexed. He knew I was confused, probably because I am so pathetically unable to conceal emotion that I'd lose my shirt if I played poker with preschoolers. He explained.
"The problem is not with thoughts, but with the identification of thoughts. They rise up from the darkness and cause you to make harsh judgements about yourself and others. Like, 'oh, there's that memory of when I didn't retaliate after being insulted. I'm a coward.' Or, 'oh, there's that memory of the time when I snapped at someone because I was in a bad mood. I'm a complete jerk. Or, 'oh, I'm feeling ill at ease right now, I'm a nervous wreck and can't function in social situations, or 'Oh, I remember my reaction to that break up or that rejection and so I am pathetic. Over and over and over again....People do that constantly. Oh, I don't look like her/him, I'm hideous. They cut me off in traffic, they're a complete (censored) I'm feeling sad today, I am an ungrateful wretch."
"The thoughts aren't actually hurting you. The pain often arises from identification with them. When you're meditating, you're focusing on breathing, on being fully in the present and also of allowing the thoughts to arise without reacting to them: as though you were watching a montage of images or listening to different radio channels. And, not to judge yourself. Mistakes are so common because humans are so fallible. We've all felt humilated and we've all experienced situations in which we didn't say what we wanted to say or said something we wish we hadn't.
"Meditation is non-judgement: to feel what it means to be alive with every cell of our bodies. That takes time and practise. Even those who've meditated for years still refer to it as 'practise.' Give yourself some time and practise patience with yourself. Learn more about it and, most importantly, enjoy it: don't regard it as just another chore or task you have to complete. Life is joy if you can move beyond resistance and self-reproach."
So, I did.
I learned that within the last couple of decades the psychological community became aware of mindfulness meditation and how beneficial such a practise is to the human brain. Some of these results verge on science fiction: how anxiety is reduced, attention spans increased, memory retention enhanced and physical health is increased. One can reduce one's blood pressure or stress simply by incorporating the practise into one's routine.
And, then there are gamma waves:
I am so proud of having copied and pasted this gamma symbol into the article at 2 a.m.
The fastest of all the brain waves: the gamma waves are produced when we're experiencing a high state of consciousness. For instance, when we've solved a problem or are cultivating an idea or in a heightned state of awareness. Most of the time we experience these waves in micro-bursts: the delectable confection we sample from time to time. However, it has been shown that the gamma levels in those who have practised meditation over longe periods is much higher than it is for those who do not.
I returned to my mentor and excitedly told him about the research and how psychologists were discovering that we could often heal ourselves and enhance our lives immeasurably by mindfulness mediation. Here again, he smirked, a bit more broadly that last time. "Discovered it, did they? Have they informed the Buddhists?"
So, I tried again, with a bit more success, although it is no easy matter. Sometimes I do well, other times I truly do not. Yet, in the times when I can detach from the thoughts: to observe them without judgement, self-censure or harshness, I truly feel as though I hoisted a weight off myself. My breathing slows, my mood ascends, my anxiety diminishes and even my posture improves. The thoughts often still beseige me in an incesssant torrent...but they're hurting me less and allowing me to grow more.
"Let life happen and flow with it," my friend told me. "you might still it painful at times, but the joy and beauty will never abate."
Here's hoping.
Thank you for reading.
As always, I hope I haven't wasted your time.