A quick prefatory note:    If, while reading the remainder of this article, you are cleaving to the desperate hope for relief, I sincerely hope you find it.  If you don't, please accept my heartfelt apologies.  Just don't give up. That intense hope for liberation is indicative of your immensely powerful life force, one that wants you to thrive and fully experience existence in this strange and wondrous world. 

Before we continue, we reiterate one salient point:  You deserve to be free of this prison forever.    Why?  Well, for one thing, the Universe required 13.8 billion years to craft your individual life force. To put that notion into context, imagine devoting 262 years to creating something that will last, at most, a single minute.*   

This realization alone explains why the natural state of the human is to be rapturously and exuberantly alive.  

Not always happy, of course. Perpetual bliss is unrealistic.  Resilience and enthusiasm for life despite the travails is not.  

So, how does one forge these new neural pathways effectively in order to develop this resilience and the sheer lust for life that we all secretly desire?       My thesis is that we first need to explain what's happening in both the mind and in our surroundings.   The frustration that one often encounters when trying to prevail above self-loathing is that very little is ever truly explained.    We are encouraged to "love ourselves," to "let it all go," to "make peace with the past and not worry what others think."    If only the maze were that simple, Daedalus.    

Well, the maze is nothing more than a house of distorting mirrors in which you are tormented by the sight of grotesque, but completely inaccurate, reflections.  Walking into a real house of mirrors occasions humor because one can immediately recognize that the bloated, elongated and twisted self images are illusory.   Being trapped in your psychological house of mirrors engenders the profoundest misery because the illusions seem all too real. 

So, please make yourself comfortable and let's begin

YOU CAN BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

The illusion of powerlessness has engendered more misery than perhaps any other.    

 

           I am set in stone and well, this is who I am condemned to be.  

Well, to employ some scientific jargon:  like Hell you are. Neuroscientists are only now beginning to realize how  powerful the individual truly is in shaping him or herself.   Yes, we have learned many behaviors during our childhood through emulation, some of which we consider horrid.        Exhibiting these behaviors despite our detestatin for them is a leading cause of self-hatred.   ("I'm behaving just like my father/mother and, damn, I don't want to do that.")

You don't have to.    Those behaviors are neural pathways that can be replaced with effort and self-belief.     Moreover, YOU are far more than just the behaviors you exhibit.     As soon as you resolve to change, your brain begins the process, which won't necessarily be easy.    Of course, learning anything new is rather effortless.  But, you notice, learning something new, including new behaviors is ultimately a joyous process.   

YOUR JAILOR IS YOUR PROTECTOR, NOT YOUR PROPAGANDIST

Remember, your jailor, the one who is tormenting you with this self-destructive notions, is part of yourself: an aspect of mind that has cultivated shape-shifting powers.  One moment it could assume the form of a childhood tormentor, the next it could appear as a particularly cruel stranger or anyone else who has imprinted him/herself into your world.    The mind relives those terrible moments constantly and the jailor's myriad apparitions appear and then vanish, only to emerge again.        Why?  Simple.  The mind is trying to protect you: to alert you to the myriad perils that lurk in the environment.  It is the same part of the mind that reminds you that you shouldn't kick an ill-tempered tiger or play toss with a 12-foot boa constrictor.  If an encounter hurts you, the mind will make it exceedingly difficult for you to forget the injury lest it be repeated.    In doing so, unfortunately, the mind is also behaving like a propagandist.  A propagandist will tell you that repeating little lies constantly is the most effective way to persuade people to accept those lies as the truth.   This one fact is vitally important to removing you from your prison.     Your jailor isn't actually telling you what you might think it is telling you.    You're not stupid, worthless, unworthy of love, and beyond redemption.    Your jailor is only telling you that you could be injured if you do the one thing you desperately want to do:  live fully.   The repeated insults aren't real: they are just neural pathways that play the insults over and over again, as though real people are speaking them.     It is the ghost in your machine.      

     

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

After I finished writing the first part of this article, I inadvertently posted it to my astronomical list-serve, "The Daily Astronomer." In my defense, the posting occurred around 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning. (In other words, I sometimes act like a complete dunderhead.)      Oh, well.   However, the next day -when I expected the University to send an engraved invitation to my own hanging- I was inundated with responses: more responses that any single astronomical article had ever elicited..   Many people were telling me that either the article resonated with them or that they intended to share it with others who were afflicted by self-hatred.      

One of the most convincing illusions is one of isolation, that you alone are afflicted.  

This sense of isolation exacerbates the pain for it tends to confirm that you alone suffer and therefore deserve this anguish.    Unfortunately, self-hatred is all too common and, more unfortunately, nobody is expected to discuss it, which perpetuates the illusion of complete isolation.      

NOW, AS FOR APPEARANCES

Quite often, self-hatred is predicated on one's appearance.  That is perhaps the most tragic of all misperceptions.    No, I am not going to tell you to love who you are on the inside.  Honestly, that comment is a hundred horsepower groin kick to someone who is convinced that he/she is utterly unappealing.  If this is one of your issues, please pay close attention.     We're going to conduct a thought experiment.    You are in a town containing 1000, 10,000 or 100,000 people, of all different shapes and sizes. Moreover, this town doesn't have magazines, televisions, computers or movies.   The only people you see are the people in the community.    Please bear with me!    What do you notice? Or, what would you eventually notice?   An eclectic blend of extraordinarily beautiful people.   You'll find them in your community today. Intrinsically, the human race is magnificent.     Now, let's not mince matters:  we are NOT conditioned to notice many \people in our community.   We are inundated with advertisements, movies, magazines, television programs that present a manufactured ideal.   In fact, because of the saturation, we see those images far more than we really see humans in our community.    As a consequence, our view is skewed.  No other people in human history have been so besieged by such images as all are today.     The diet and cosmetic industry, with the aid of their marketing wizards and psychologists, exploit this very insecurity in us much to our detriment and their enrichment.

The other troublesome appearance issue relates to mirrors.   Many people don't like to look at their photos at all because they seem distorted.  Why?  We're all accustomed to seeing ourselves in the mirror. A photo reverses the image which the mind interprets as distortion. 

So, combine that perception with our culture of celebrity worship and body shaming and it is little wonder that displeasure with appearance is another leading cause of self-loathing.    

 The great news: you are far better off than you've been led to believe.   Yes, that statement is valid even though we've never met.     

Again, if your brain is constantly telling you otherwise, you feel as though you're being subjected to a barrage of constant insults.  You're not.  The brain is merely trying to protect you by replaying horrid moments.  Have you been rejected or have people insulted you based on your appearance?   That cruel experience is almost universal.  The simple -and liberating- truth is that attractiveness is not nearly as narrow as we've been conditioned to believe: what isn't appealing for one person might be devilishly appealing for another.

Our self-perception is often false: a combination of social conditioning and our overly protective brain.     

THE HORRID THOUGHTS AND PROFOUND REGRETS

If you're still reading, is something inside you saying, "Yes, well, you don't know that horrid thing I did or those dark thoughts I've entertained or that behaviour of mine that has caused me deep regret."       True enough.  Such thoughts are also universal and deep regrets nearly so.     

Now, it must be said:  some people are intrinsically vicious and take delight in hurting others.   They're likely not reading this article. Or, if they are, they're laughing at it.    Let's cheerfully ignore that lot.  

For the rest of us, we should use guilt for our benefit, not our detriment.  Guilt is intended by our brain to modify future behaviors and not, as it is often used, as a means by which to inflict self-torture.      Do you harbor some regrets?  Have you made statements or done things that you wish you hadn't done?  The best way to proceed for your own mental health is to simply say, "I will use that experience to be a better person. I can't alter the past, but can influence the future."     If you can amends, do so.  If it is not possible, give yourself some peace.     

 The other truth:  Most of us are just trying to do the best we can considering the circumstances.  

 

As for those darker thoughts.    Well, remember that our minds generate 50,00 - 75,000 thoughts a day.  Not all of them are suitable for framing.     The trick is not to act on them.  Let them pass into oblivion.  

Last thought on this issue: if you have regrets, you have a conscience which is indicative of a caring person.  

YOUR INNER BEST FRIEND

We could go on and on and on.  Some people would insist I have gone on and on and on.    I do hope your best friend is speaking now in a louder voice that your jailor and is reminding you that

• That inner voice that seems so hateful isn't.   Your "jailor" is trying to protect you and we misinterpret what he/she is telling us.
• You're not alone.    Unfortunately, self-hatred is all too common.   It should be noted, however, that when asked about self-hatred, his holiness the Dalai Lama was utterly perplexed, for the concept of someone hating him/herself was inconceivable to him.   That should tell us something vitally important. 
• You are immensely powerful.    You can change almost anything about yourself if you want to.   However, the most effective way to do so is to love yourself first.
• Every moment provides an opportunity to begin anew.

Psychological research has shown that being mindful and as healthy as possible have immeasurable positive effects on your brain and body.     Your mind is truly supernatural in its capacities.    It can be your personal kingdom instead of your prison.    

FINAL NOTE:
I do hope this article offered some relief and, perhaps, a way out of your prison.  If it didn't, accept my apologies, but do not give up.   Life is beautiful and you deserve to experience it to its fullest.

 *I am personally convinced that such is the power of this life force that we persist well  beyond material death. As that notion is also  well beyond the scope of this article -as well as being one that gives many in the academic community the vapors- we'll wink at it and move on.