Being born in Hibbing, I suppose that I can join the attack. :-)
As long as we are at it, let's make it a Minnesota State Law.
Whereas Minnesota has the only legally qualified hockey players,
whereas Minnesota pays tax dollars directly for college hockey,
whereas only Minnesota is so forward thinking as to prevent external
contamination of hockey and whereas all other games outside of Minnesota
called "hockey" are basically flawed by non-Minnesotan contamination,
Be it public law that
(1) Minnesota teams shall play no team except other Minnesota teams.
Special consideration will be given to underpriveleged teams
which are from communitites not located next to a body of water or
do not have a hockey player at each street corner.
(2) Minnesota teams shall recruit no players not born, raised
and schooled in Minnesota. Any player who has been outside of
Minnesota must be able demonstrate that they call catch walleye
pike using nothing by a willow stick and hay bailing twine, bring
down deer with a pellet gun and a flashlight, sharpen their skates
by running the blade across their teeth and that they need their
sister or mother in order to tie the knots necessary to keep their
clothes on.
(3) Minnesota commentators shall state nary a good thing about
another foreign team. Any violation of this provision shall result
an immediate missionary work to Madison, Wisconsin, to teach the gospel
of Minnesotan hockey to the heathen for a period not to exceed
two years.
(4) No hockey programs shall be recognized except those existing
fully within the State of Minnesota.
(5) It shall be always stated that hockey was created, invented and
kept pure wholly within Minnesota. (The sport to the north of
the God's country of Minnesota referred to indescriminantly as
"hockey" is something akin to ice dancing by savages for the
purpose of warmth. it has no rules, no skill and no Minnesotans.)
(6) All other claims to hockey, hockey ability, and/or hockey
programs will be considered fraudulent and treated as such.
Any Minnesotan calling the abomination conducted external to
Minnesota "hockey" shall be incarcerated in Florida for a period
of not more than six months beginning in October and ending in
April.
(7) Any referee or linesman calling a penalty on a Minnesota team
will be made to attend Viking Valhalla meetings. No Minnesotan
is taught to slash, high stick, cross check, interfere or rough
another player. Since these skills are not taught, they must
be imported from Maine, Massachussets, Michigan, Wisconsin or
Canada. These foreigners do not play hockey and are not
allowed within Minnesota; therefore, no referee can call these
penalties on any player from a Minnesota team.
(8) Players names ending in borg, ein, korn, sen, son or stad will
be given an extra year hockey scholarship. This will be considered
necessary to maintain the high academic standards of schools
granting such scholarships.
(9) Minnesotans shall be taught that the difference between Woofer's
and Wooger's is that Wooger's win.
Be it enacted that the above law shall take place immediately.
This should stir the pot sufficiently well that hockey-l mail boxes all over
the world will never be empty! :-)
Walt Olson
Michigan Tech
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