The following woof appeared today:
>By the way, RPI is going to win it all this year.
As a public service I give you Oliver's Theory of Woofing, as posted to the
list last spring by Galen Gawboy. Save for future reference, especially at
playoff time. Enjoy!
-- Erik
[log in to unmask]
GO GOPHERS!
SKI-U-MAH!
<<forwarded stuff follows>>
The Oliver Woofing Theorem FAQ
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This FAQ list was designed to answer reader's questions regarding the
ubiquitous and all-powerful Oliver's Woofing Theorem, as revealed to the
Usenet community by the great prophet Jim Oliver. Any questions should be
directed to the rec.sport newsgroup of your choice.
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List of Topics:
1: What is Oliver's Woofing Theorem?
2: What is Woofing?
3: What is WEAUXfing?
4: Are there various degrees of woofing?
5: Who are the Gods of Woofing?
6: How accurate is Oliver's Woofing Theorem?
7: Why does the theorem seem to fail at times?
8: Do unexpressed, private thoughts count?
9: Does E-mail or private conversations count?
10: Does woofing in the middle of a game count?
11: What is reverse woofing, or anti-woofing?
12: Does reverse woofing ever work?
13: Is it possible to retract a woof?
14: How long does a woof last?
15: Do the woofing Gods save up "bad karma", to apply at a later date?
16: What about ambiguous woofs?
17: As a sports fan, is there anything I can do to help my team win?
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1: What is Oliver's Woofing Theorem
Oliver's Woofing Theorem states, in a nutshell, that in any given
athletic competition (team, individual, amatuer, professional), the
team/player who is the most over-hyped/over-praised by his/her/its
fans/supporters is doomed to LOSE the competition. For example, if
immediately preceding a game between the Seattle Mariners and the
Toronto Blue Jays, two Blue Jay's fans state that "Toronto will kick
ass", while only one Seattle fan makes a similar claim, then Seattle
is guaranteed a win by the ubiquitious and omnipresent Gods of Woofing.
2. What is Woofing?
Woofing is any outlandish, outrageous, inflammatory, ridiculous,
unsupported, sophmoric, or otherwise brain-dead commentary or
predictions regarding a specific team, player, or athletic event.
Comments such as "Tampa will kick Dallas' ASS!!!", "Blazerz R00L!",
"Notre Dame SUCKS", or "Sampras will CRUSH Chang like a grape!" are
all considered to be woofing. Woofing does not include rational,
well-thought-out, well-supported commentary. Thus, comments such as
"I think New York will beat Orlando, because of their outstanding
defense" or "I think Kansas City has a chance to go all the way, with
Montana on the team" are NOT considered woofing.
3. What is WEAUXfing?
WEAUXfing is a variant spelling of woofing, popular on rec.sport.
football.college.
4. Are there various degrees of woofing?
Yes--a comment such as "The Lakers are gonna CRUSH the Suns by 50
points, cause the Suns are a dumb, no-defense team and Barkeley is a
fat slob!!!" is a more serious woof than a simple "Pittsburg will kick
the Flyers' asses tonight!". However, judging the degree of a woof is
entirely the domain of the omnipresent Gods of Woofing--it is not
possible to quantize a woof, nor is it possible to speculate just how
the Gods of Woofing will weigh the various comments of sports fans in
deciding the outcome of a sporting event.
5. Who are the Gods of Woofing?
Nobody knows. The Gods have only revealed themselves through the
Prophet, Jim Oliver. It is known that they are all-knowing and all-
powerful, and that they and they alone decide the outcome of ALL
sporting events, but little else is known about the Gods of Woofing.
All attempts to contact them through prayer, ritual, or meditation have
failed.
6. How accurate is Oliver's Woofing Theorem?
Oliver's woofing theorem is infallible. If one can keep track of all
woofs related to a specific sporting event, one can predict with 100%
accuracy the outcome of the event. Note, however, that only the
outcome (who wins, who loses) can be predicted by the Theorem. Other
statistics, such as the score, who "beat the spread", and individual
statistics in team events are not predicted by Oliver's woofing
theorem.
7. Last week, I saw a ton of WOOFs from fans of team A, and very little
commentary from fans of Team B. Applying the theorem, one can predict
victory for Team B. Yet team A won. Did Oliver's woofing theorem
fail?
No. You only saw a small sample of the woofing to occur. Oliver's
Woofing Theorem is not limited to Usenet--it is UNIVERSAL. Thus,
every comment made in every bar, athletic club, locker room, school,
church, barracks, country club, workplace, house, playground, or any
other place where people gather to discuss sports, is considered by
the Gods of Woofing. In the example you give, the explaination is
obvious--there were a larger number of woofs for Team B in other forums
besides Usenet. Thus, Team B was more enthusiastically woofed, and
thus they lost.
8. I am a big fan of the Bills, and I believe that they can go all the
way. However, I keep my mouth shut. Do my mere thoughts count as a
woof, and am I the reason that the Bills have lost in three consecutive
Super Bowls?
No--private thoughts do not apply. Only boasts which are written or
spoken to another person or group of people apply. Thus you are not
responsible for the Bill's failings. The reason the Bill's lose in the
Super Bowl is twofold: First, lots of Bills fans engage in large-scale
woofing, and second, the Bills suck. (Cheer up, Buffalo fans. My
comment should aid them a little.)
9. How about private conversations, E-mail, and other non-public forms
of communication?
These ARE included in the Woofing Theorem. Basically, if you write it,
speak it, sign it, or type it, it will count.
10. Does woofing during the middle of a game count?
The outcome of a sporting event depends on all woofing up until game
time. By the time the game starts, the Gods of Woofing have already
determined the outcome, and any comments made during the game will have
no effect on that game. They will, however, have an effect on future
games.
11. What is "reverse woofing" or "anti woofing"?
Reverse woofing is the process whereby a sports fan tries to fool the
Gods of Woofing by woofing for the OTHER TEAM, in hopes that this will
cause the team that he/she really supports to win.
12. Does reverse woofing ever work?
No. Reverse woofing will never work. First of all, the Gods of
Woofing, being All-Knowing, know which teams every sports fans likes,
loves, hates, despises, or doesn't care about. Second, reverse woofing
is extremely offensive to the Gods of Woofing for two reasons. One,
it insults their intelligence when a mere mortal presumes that he can
fool them, and two, they are offended by such deviousness. As a
result, reverse woofing is the most serious type of woofing possible,
and a reverse-woofer DOOMS his/her team to an embarrassing loss.
13. Is it possible to retract a woof?
No. Once a woof is made, it is set in stone. The only way to reverse
the effects of a woof (or an anti-woof) is for a supporter of the
opposing team to make his/her own woof or anti-woof.
14. How long does a woof last?
Depends on the nature of the woof. A woof regarding a specific contest
will only affect the outcome of that contest. A woof of the nature
"Edmonton can kick Calgary's ASS any time, any where" will affect ALL
Flames/Oilers games from that point on (however, the effect will
diminish exponentially with time.) A woof of the nature "The Phillies
RULE!!!" will affect the Phillies for ALL of their games, but again,
the effect will diminish exponentially with time. Likewise, a generic
flame against the opposition ("Cleveland SUCKS!") will improve
Cleveland's chances in future games, but again the effect will diminish
with time.
15. Will the woofing Gods "save up" bad karma, to apply at a later date?
This has been known to happen, especially to teams such as the Bills,
Braves, and Blazers, who do well in the regular season but falter in
the playoffs. Although little is known about this, the woofing Gods
sometimes, in response to a particularly vicious woof or anti-woof,
allow a team to win enough to make it to the playoffs, only to smite
them there. Much research needs to be done in this area.
16. What about ambiguous woofs?
Some woofs are inherently ambiguous. For example, if a fan states that
"The Giants are gonna CREAM the Cardinals", does he mean that the
New York Giants will defeat the Phoenix Cardinals, or that the San
Fransisco Giants will do likewise to St. Louis? In this case, the
woofing gods will attempt to figure out what the fan means by context
(if the woof is in rec.sport.football.pro, for example, it is assumed
he means New York will defeat Phoenix.) In cases where the intent
cannot be determined, the woof will be ignored.
17. Is there anything that I, as a sports fan, can do to HELP my team?
Yes, there is. Keep your trap shut.
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