Now that it's off-season, I thought I'd post this Minnesota Daily article from
last January, explaining that Minnesota sports teams' domination over Wisconsin
teams this year is due to a pact with the Devil. The Gopher fans and
Cheeseheads may enjoy it. The rest of you might want to hit the delete key.
Headline: DEVIL1.STO
Publish Date: 01/25/1994
For Gopher sports fans nothing is sweeter than beating Wisconsin, and
recent history has provided some tasty treats.
In the past few years, however, the Badgers have surpassed the
Gophers athletically. Bucky has won the Rose Bowl, national
championships in hockey and crew, and was the NCAA runner-up in
women's soccer.
The meteoric rise of Wisconsin sports has buried the golden rodents
in their burrows. The following is a hypothetical explanation for the
sporting frustration the Badgers' ascent has caused in the land of
10,000 lakes.
Pat Richter woke up sweating and itching in his red and white Bucky
Badger pajamas. It was just after midnight on a cold December morning
in 1989; the bedroom was smoky and smelled of sulfur.
Richter, the University of Wisconsin-Madison's recently named
athletic director, squinted into the darkness and was startled by a
cloaked figure standing at the opened closet door.
``You wished to see me?'' the devil said, moving closer.
``I didn't mean it, I swear!'' Richter gasped. He recalled telling
his wife earlier in the evening that he would ``listen to all
suggestions'' on how to improve the woeful state of Badger sports.
``Ah, but think of the terms I can offer,'' said the Devil, pulling
out flow charts and a pointer. ``Here are the current facts:
declining attendance, bad coaching and low morale. You've got an ugly
situation here, but I can change all that.
``All I ask for is your soul; we'll work in a few personal perks,
and, at the end, all you have to do is come below and sweat profusely
-- none of that eternal burning stuff.''
The already perspiring athletic director looked pensive. ``Where
would we begin?'' he asked.
``Everyone knows football is the tail that wags the university dog,''
the devil said. ``You need a weak nonconference schedule and a
fire-and-brimstone coach in charge. A disciple of mine in South Bend
has a promising assistant we should look at. His name is Barry
Alvarez.''
Richter, already contemplating a $5 million debt in his first few
weeks on the job, was intrigued, yet cautious. ``How about men's
basketball?'' he inquired. ``We haven't been to the NCAAs since
1947.''
``I'm still working on that one,'' the devil admitted. ``But my
minions tell me of a wonderfully talented high school freshman in
Chicago named Rashawn or Mashard or something. We'll spice up the
players you already have and reel in blue-chip recruits further down
the road.''
Richter, himself a former three-sport standout at Madison, leapt out
of bed and began pacing the bright red rug.
``Won't our deal be obvious?'' he worried. ``We're doormats for years
and suddenly begin winning? Satan appears in the student section? I
just don't know.''
``The change will take place gradually,'' the devil reassured him.
``You'll begin getting successful returns over the course of several
years. And if you still have doubts you can call other clients of
mine at Kansas State, Southern Methodist and, of course, Notre
Dame.''
Late into the night Richter and the devil talked. The Horned One
proposed eliminating baseball (``no one will notice''), building up
the women's soccer team (``gender equity is coming'') and packing
students into Camp Randall Stadium like sardines.
In the end, Richter agreed to a lucrative contract with no chance for
free agency or arbitration. In addition to a Rose Bowl triumph, a
berth in basketball's March Madness and impressive national rankings
for nonrevenue sports, the devil added in several niceties for
himself and the athletic director.
``I'd like a lifetime supply of cheese,'' Mephistopheles said. ``And,
in return, your son Barry will lead the USA hockey team to gold medal
glory at the 1994 Winter Olympics.''
``This seems too good to be true,'' Richter mused. ``What are the
drawbacks?''
``Oh, they're minor, really,'' said the devil, with a flick of his
hoof. ``Suffocating media coverage and your absolute silence on the
matter. Oh yes -- the year your son's whooping it up in Lillehammer,
you lose to Minnesota in every major sport and most of the minor
ones.''
``What a bargain,'' Richter shouted and, pricking his thumb with a
Badger lapel pin, he signed the tender in blood, ensuring happiness
and delirium for Cheeseheads everywhere.
Tris Wykes covers various and sundry sports for the Daily. His soul
is for sale in exchange for the Boston Red Sox's winning the World
Series.
Pam Sweeney Go Gophers!!!
[log in to unmask] 1993 & 1994 WCHA Playoff Champions!!!
1994 NC$$ PHinal PHour!!!
Ski-U-Mah!!!
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