OK, this is the second part of the Heather Day reflection piece on her
experiences on the women's hockey team. Hope you all enjoy.
 
By Heather Day
Special to the Campus
 
 
        We got word in spring of 1997 that varsity status was now ours. What
we had spent so long fighting for was finally won. We had done it. We
didn't have to worry anymore.
With our thoughts muddled with greed and stardom, we went home for the
summer to prepare for our debut as a Division I team.
         I couldn't help feeling emotionally drained.
        The season was finally over. I didn't even care by that time if we had
won varsity status or not. I was sick of the whole situation. I was
sick of what we had turned hockey into. But worse, I was angry with
myself for participating. I was guilty of the greed, the stars in my
eyes.
        I felt let down. I should've been happy about winning. I should've
been pleased that we achieved something that would forever be part of
future women ice hockey players. However, winning doesn't always prove
to be victorious.
        I wasn't happy. It was something I wish I hadn't had a part in. Maybe
that's being selfish, but I couldn't help feeling some slight
animosity. Hockey was supposed to be fun. However, the fun had stopped
months before.
        I had come here to play hockey, the kind of hockey that I had played
all my life. The kind of hockey that allowed you to gain knowledge of
the sport by working hard as a team and accomplishing certain goals.
        The only thing that I felt we had accomplished that season was tearing
apart the team unity that we had proudly had. I couldn't help but
wonder how it would be next year. Would the stars that we had in our
eyes become bigger next year?
After we won, Coach Livingston, who had worked harder than anyone on
winning varsity status, was replaced by a big shot from New York.
        The transition was not particularly a welcome one, but we couldn't
complain publicly. We had hoped that Coach Livingston would still be a
part of the team she had fought so hard for.
After all, it was her team. She had brought us to the top, and to not
have her there for our first season as varsity athletes was a major let
down. However, this is what a varsity sport acquires, right? This is
what we had wanted.
        Yet, we could have easily done without the favoritism, the attitudes,
the egocentricity and the patronizing that also came along with it.
We wanted it all; well, we got it all. Everything we didn't want, well,
we got that, too. So, this is what we fought so hard for?
        Yes, Miss Varsity Athlete.
        After the newness began to fade and all the excitement of now being a
varsity athlete had time to sink in and become familiar, the team
settled into what would be the last season for many of the girls on the
team.
We began enduring a lot of new experiences, some more welcome than
others. The press had found its way into the arena, seeking out the
superstars of the team. The superstars also became known as the
favorites.
        Coach Filighera only played two lines religiously, and of those two
lines, one line was compiled of the superstars. The team became divided
into those favorites and the others that weren't favorites.
        We were no longer a team. We grew into selfish bitches who enjoyed
watching other teammates suffer for lack of skill, lack of confidence
and lack of ass kissing.
        We began to hate one another.
        We didn't even play together as a team. We never talked when we were
out on the ice. We hardly ever communicated. During games, the only one
that did most of the screaming was Coach. And if we did talk, it was
with those who fell into the same group as we did. It was absolutely
ridiculous.
        And all the while, we were constantly being reminded of the fact that
Coach would be recruiting an entire new team for next year since that
is really when we would be officially a Division I team. Forget now,
let's just focus on the future.
        Firstly, he was often comparing us to his old team, and the
comparisons were not always good ones. Secondly, he couldn't wait to
get that year over with so he could have a better team to work with.
        Better, meaning more than one line of skaters that he could label as
favorites.
I viewed much of last season from my seat in the stands. My second knee
injury kept me sidelined for most of the year. I watched, I tried to
learn and I listened.
Like others, I rarely liked what I saw or what I heard.
        Some of the girls that worked the hardest hardly every saw the ice
that season. If they did, it was for the last few minutes of the game.
Some girls took for granted their role on the team, while others tried
so hard to prove that they could have a role.
        Somehow, those that tried so hard to win a spot on the team only ended
up losing. Again, we couldn't help but think what we had gotten
ourselves into. Would hockey ever be fun again?
To top it all off, I found out at the end of our first varsity season
that I was never officially on the team. Since I had spent most of my
season being a spectator from the bleachers, that is exactly where my
position remained.
        Forget the fact that I actually wasn't on the roster, I had never felt
like I was part of the team to begin with. I went to every goddamn
practice, every home game, and yes, I was even granted the privilege to
attend a few away games. But, it didn't matter.
        I was one of the ones that wasn't a favorite. I was only good enough
to do the goalie shots for games and turn on the radio for the
conditioning drills during practices.
That's what being a varsity athlete meant to me. There was no respect
involved. There was nothing. Not for me, and not for some of the other
girls on the team.
Varsity status proved victorious on one level, yet failed on another.
It achieved something for every future female hockey player who will
choose to play hockey here.
It will give them scholarships, recognition, fame, glory and an
opportunity to play with the best of them.
        It will prove that women's hockey is truly a rising sport that
deserves to be recognized and more importantly appreciated. It will
give hope to little girls who dream of one day playing at a Division I
level.
        Yet, at the same time, we lost something by fighting for varsity
status. We lost a team that had worked and played so hard together. We
lost a sense of what being an athlete really was, and we also gained a
sense of what being an athlete truly means.
We lost ourselves, as well as each other. We turned hockey into
something other than what it is supposed to be. We lost what hockey
means and with that loss also came a loss of teammates and respect.
        The end result was one that still stings today. Hockey became too
stressful and too much of a chore, rather than a choice. I chose not to
return to hockey for my last year at the University of Maine. It was
partially choice and more so common knowledge that I would not play.
But mostly it was because I was burnt out.
        I was drained of any desire to play hockey due to the fact of all the
shit I endured the past two years.
        It's amazing to see all the other club sports that are striving to be
recognized and that have been bitten by the varsity bug. They want it
all, just like we had wanted it all.
        Yet, what will they end up sacrificing for the privilege of Division
I? A team? The fun? The team unity? They are playing harder and
stronger and better to prove that they can win.
They want it all.
        Yet, I'm reminded again and again of that old clichi.
        Be careful what you wish for.
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