With the selection over and the tournament about to start, I thought folks
here might enjoy the "NCAA" piece from this newspaper parody last week
(scroll way down):
>===================================================================
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> Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions:
> [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White [log in to unmask] ]
>
>
> March 15, 2001
>
>===================================================================
>[ WORLD NEWS ]
>===================================================================
>
> RUSSIAN SPACE AGENCY TO BRING DOWN BORIS YELTSIN
>
>MOSCOW, RUSSIA (DPI) - Despite skepticism from foreign observers,
>the Russian Space Agency is confident that it can bring Boris
>Yeltsin down to Earth under full control next week. Yeltsin, last
>seen high as a kite on vodka and bad herring, is reported to be
>over the Earth in a geosynchronous orbit above Minsk. Plans to
>bring him down include telling him he's not President anymore,
>and that the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie was a box office disappoint-
>ment. "That should really knock the wind out of his sails," said
>Russian Space Administrator, Boris Skywalksky, "he really loved
>Bullwinkle. He reminds Yeltsin of Brezhnev. If that doesn't bring
>him down, we'll tell him that his mother never really loved him.
>After bringing him down so low, we have a healthy supply of uppers
>to raise his spirits, but they're carefully calibrated to raise
>him no higher than sea level. We're all aware of the threat to
>international navigation and air travel that an orbiting inebriate
>poses."
>
>- Reported by Slick Sharkey
>
>===================================================================
>[ DOMESTIC NEWS ]
>===================================================================
>
> KID-PARTY WATCHDOG GROUP ISSUES "DIDDLEY THE CLOWN" WARNING
>
>LINCOLN, NE (DPI) - Officials of party-clown watchdog group Big
>Smiles For All (BSFA) issued a warning to parents to avoid suspect
>entertainer "Diddley" the clown, noting that the suspect is not a
>member of the BSFA organization and may be a threat to children.
>The warning was issued today after an investigation into numerous
>parental complaints, said BSFA spokesman Binky "Seltzer" Baggypants.
>Baggypants said that clowns who are to be approved and bonded by
>the group must pass rigorous bellylaugh testing and pie-accuracy
>exams. Parents who have booked Diddley for upcoming birthdays or
>bar mitzvahs are being asked to schedule an approved replacement
>clown by calling BSFA on the big polka-dot phone with the cuckoo
>bird ringy-dingy-dingy-ring.
>
>The complaints allege that on several occasions Diddley frightened
>children with his wormy lurking antics, hand-wringing, twitching
>and lewd muttering. Diddley is described as 4'2" tall with
>shifty, bloodshot eyes, green hair and a big red nose. He was
>wearing a dirty gray smock and chewing on a Dutch Masters cigar
>butt when last seen. Police have described him as "unctuous,
>musky, and not at all funny."
>
>Diddley has been added to BSFA's Ten Most Wanted list, along with
>Sploogie, Poot-Poot, Hakkaloogey, Fondles, Alkie, Doctor Pokey-
>Monster, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-Miss.), Nook-Nook,
>and Mister Picklepants.
>
>- Reported by Travis Ruetenik
> [log in to unmask]
>
>------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------
>
> PROBE REPORTER MISSES DEADLINE
>
>RICHARDSON, TX (DPI) - Shit!!!
>
>- Reported by Charles Gulledge
>
>===================================================================
>[ POLITICS ]
>===================================================================
>
> BUSH TO IMPLEMENT FAITH-BASED STUFF ALL OVER THE PLACE
>
>WASHINGTON, DC - "President" George W. Bush today announced that
>the Department of Defense will be renamed and will be funded and
>implemented through his White House Office of Faith-Based
>Initiatives. "We're gonna call it FBI, for 'Faith-Based
>Interdiction,' which is really cool," said Bush. "I mean, what
>better way to combine the two great preoccupations of this great
>country: God and guns? Besides, it fits in with my plan to rename
>all federal agencies with the same three letters so they'll be
>easier to remember."
>
>The plan initially calls for conversion of steeples and minarets to
>missile silos, a proposal that was greeted with some reluctance by
>most religious leaders. Other steps include replacement of hymnals
>with military field manuals, and issuance of standard black berets
>to replace all religious headgear such as miters or yarmulkes.
>Bush seemed unfazed by the rather cool reception, although he did
>instruct the Secret Service to get the names and affiliations of
>several reporters who gathered outside the briefing room afterwards,
>laughing hysterically. Secretary of State Dick Cheney was wheezing
>and kind of blue-ish and refused to comment on the plan.
>
>Next up for the Prez: Implementation of his faith-based White
>House softball team.
>
>- Reported by Nancy Anton
> [log in to unmask]
>
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>===================================================================
>[ TECHNOLOGY ]
>===================================================================
>
> "REPLY ALL" COMPUTER VIRUS STRIKES
>
>LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - The sad list is a long one: job firings,
>homelessness, divorces, jail time, law suits, broken homes and
>souls inadvertently sold to Satan. If you are guessing these are
>the result of drug dependency or a life of crime, you would be
>wrong. These are the consequences of the most dangerous epidemic
>crippling the world today. Previously called "Foot in Mouth
>Disease" until the British sued because it sounded too much like
>the name they use to describe the shaky quality of their virus-
>riddled beef, the currently named "Reply All Disease" (RAD) is
>shockingly widespread.
>
>While the symptoms vary from person to person, there are character-
>istics held in common in all cases: a momentary lack of motor
>function causes the individual to click "reply all" instead
>of "reply" to an email he or she finds in their in box. An
>accompanying cognitive cloudiness causes the individual to write
>exactly what is on their RAD-addled brain and click "send." This
>is immediately followed by a sudden hot flash in the skull, much
>like the moment after one realizes they locked their keys in the
>car, and an intense bodily anxiety. This can last up to days.
>
>Individuals who suffer from RAD have fired off emails stuffed with
>verbiage like: "block head," "my wife's an idiot," "Celine Dion
>ruuuulz," "the pardon money's in the bank," and many other
>descriptions unsuitable for print in a family newspaper such as
>this one. Although RAD usually only strikes a person once before
>they build a quick a sturdy immunity, as noted above the conse-
>quences can be swift and debilitating. Doctors say there is no
>known cure for Reply All Disease, and expect it to be with to be
>with mankind for quite some years.
>
>- Reported by Davejames
> [log in to unmask]
>
>===================================================================
>[ SPORTS ]
>===================================================================
>
> BREAKING NEWS
>
>ARCTIC NORTH (DPI) - Swingley wins third straight Iditarod,
>whatever the fuck that means. Details to follow.
>
>- Reported by Mark Niebuhr
> http://www.mp3.com/PlateOShrimp
>
>------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------
>
> NCAA "MARCH MADNESS" FORMULA RELEASED
>
>NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - The NCAA today released the formula by which
>the NCAA basketball tournament teams are selected and seeded.
>Some of the guidelines include:
>
>- Conferences with high average legal defense costs are more
> heavily represented than those darling little conferences
> where the players actually attend class.
>
>- Schools with enrollments of under 20,000 and a Nobel Prize
> winner in a category more serious than finger painting must go
> no worse than 24-4 and beat 4 ranked teams to get in.
>
>- Teams in the eastern 1/3 of the country are just way better
> than teams in the western third, and will be seeded accordingly.
> Stanford? UCLA? Arizona? La la la -- I can't hear you!
>
>- Pop off to the NCAA about your seeding, and, next year, your
> school gets to face Duke in the first round in a regional held
> in a frozen, corn-infested state.
>
>Asked if bribery enters into the picture, officials were quick to
>ask how much money we're talking, here.
>
>- Reported by Ishmael Alighieri
> [log in to unmask]
>
>===================================================================
>[ FEATURES ]
>===================================================================
>
> MOTH'S DIARY
> ------------
>
>Saturday 10th March
>
>After the initial sadness has descended upon the soul, and the
>heart has had time to adjust, I feel I can look back on this
>morning and say that I did the right thing. But the pain -- oh,
>the pain! Laetitia Casta phoned here from her pink heart-shaped
>bed, doubtless rumple-haired and her more than ample bosoms flowing
>or whatnot, whilst she was purring -- check that -- oozing fag
>smoke and Gallic falderal into the earpiece. The new butler,
>Chainsbury, held the receiver helpfully toward me but I merely
>shook the coconut and looked away. Over the course of the day,
>he'd had to hold her at bay for no less than seventeen calls, each
>more heartbreaking than the last. My hand had been forced, you
>see. A simple glance at Forbes Magazine's Celebrity 100 list told
>me that not only is L. Casta is nowhere to be found but, what's
>worse, that reality-based noodle-bender Richard Hatch rates higher
>on said list than any supermodel, when you factor salary, magazine
>covers, internet searches, press clippings, and television and
>radio mentions. "L. Casta," I whispered into the night, two
>crystalline tears popping off my eyes and shooting down onto my
>rayon tunic, "You are *so* yesterday."
>
>I lunch with Hatch on Friday.
>
>===================================================================
>[ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ]
>[ Copyright 2001, Chris White ]
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Jeffrey "Beeeej" Anbinder [log in to unmask]
Development Officer, Intercollegiate Athletics 212-870-3416 (w)
Columbia University in the City of New York 212-870-3138 (f)
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