This appeared in the Nov. 13-14 edition of the BDN:
A lesson for Maine faculty on sports ads
By John Holyoke, Of the NEWS Staff
A few days ago it came to my attention that the University
of Maine Faculty Senate (I won’t tell you what we used to
call this institution during my rough and rocky 10-year
career as a college student) has decided to mount an
investigation into ... gulp ... corporate sponsorship of
UMaine events.
Now, as investigations go, this one won’t send offending
parties running to their paper shredders. Faculty senators
are, all kidding, snooty airs, and tweed aside, a bunch of
guys and gals who really care about UMaine. Honest.
But, since I’m always the helpful, considerate type, I’ve
decided to save a few steps for everyone. Scrap the witch
hunt. I’ve been to a few Brewer City Council meetings in
my days, seen Larry Doughty and the gang go at it, and I
understand how these things work. I speak the language.
And I’ve got a mighty fine official statement all typed up.
Welcome to the land of Whereas, Therefore, and Be It
Resolved Ô the Official UM Faculty Senate Response to
Dastardly Corporate Sponsorship:
Whereas, There has been a noticeable (and annoying)
increase in billboards, written, verbal, and otherwise, at
UMaine athletic events; and
Whereas, We all want to tell the offending announcers to
shut up and let us eat our hot dogs and watch the latest
little Kariya guy in peace, darn it; and
Whereas, All the billboards get in the way of our
enjoyment of the games, even if the Black Bears are
pounding the dogsnot out of the Boston University
Terriers; and
Whereas, We’re mad as hell and we don’t want to take it
any more; BUT
Whereas, How much money are we talking about?
$354,000?; and
Whereas, Really? $354,000? That’s a lot of dang Bunsen
burners ... and slide rules ... and surveying thingamajigs;
and Wherethehell, Are we gonna get the dough for the
essentials if we’ve gotta give sports another 354,000
bucks? and Whereas, Even though we faculty members
have been told that we have to put up with UMaine sports,
even if we can’t get moved to the top of the list for hockey
season tickets; and Whereas, The campus didn’t really
burn down when those crazed students went hog-wild nuts
last April after the Bears won the national championship;
and Whereas, The school isn’t actually selling ad space to
Diva’s and 1-900-cute-college-girls and
www.deadbeatdads.com; and Whereas, We can live with
ads for cell phones and ice and oil and the like, even if
they
interrupt our hot dogs and make it so we can’t concentrate
on that speedy little Kariya guy; and
Whereas, Do we have to keep this one? Really? OK. The
athletic department of the school is an arm ... do we have
to say arm? Can’t we say toe? OK. OK. An arm of the
institution as a whole. Is that enough? Good; and Whereas,
We really, really need a few more of those Bunsen
burners and slide rules and surveying thingamajigs;
Now, Therefore, Be It Ordered and Resolved, That we,
the members of the faculty senate, deign to come down
from our respective ivory towers, march across the mall to
Memorial Gym (ignoring the smell of ... yuck ... sweat)
and offer athletic director Sue Tyler and Assistant Athletic
Director for Marketing and Promotions (heretofore to be
known as Head Money-Maker) Scott Lowenberg our
sincere apologies; and
Our most sincere thanks. For the Bunsen burners. And the
slide rules. And the thingamajigs.
John Holyoke is a NEWS sportswriter.
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